TFI Friday

Make us laugh & win the Expats.cz Friday Jokes & Fun competition!

Winner for 1.10.2010:
Sam Birchie Russell:



 

Winner for 24.9.2010:
Irina Shamraeva
:

 

Winner for 17.9.2010:
Zuzana Stuchlíková
:

Winners for 10.9.2010:
Paul Oxenham:

Luis Badia:

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It’s Friday! Post a joke, share a funny video – just make us laugh! This week the lucky winner will get a bottle of Chardonnay YALI 2007 from Casablanca Valley.

To participate, just visit our Facebook page on Friday and share your funniest joke/video/picture on our wall post. The two biggest laughs get the CDs!

Here’s a couple videos we liked recently:


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Winners for 3.9.2010:

Tanya Bechev: A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn´t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let´s make sure he´s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy´s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

***

Яко MALL-ХоФ III: The venerable lord John returns to his estate and his doorman welcomes him with the words:

– Hello, you old fart! Where have you been all day? Visiting whores and pubs again, huh?

– No James, I was downtown to buy myself a hearing aid…

***

Winner for 27.8.2010:

Corina Muntean: A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer´s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don´t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I´m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
POLE: “I got proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”

***

Winner for 20.8.2010: 

Barry Curran: It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, “Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, “Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

“No problem,” said the second man. “But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,” Please tell me how you died.” The third man says,”Ok, picture this. I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

***

Winners for 13.8.2010: 

Mark Dopierala: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

***

Mark Benjamin Ajero: Since the tickets are for a hip hop kemp it is proper to joke about a hip hop artist;-)

Q: What is the name of 50-cent´s daughter?
A: Penny.

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Winner for 6.8.2010: 

Kelly-Ann Khan: A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart and I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The attendants don’t know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.

The copilot replies, “I told her that the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica”. 

***

Winner for 30.7.2010: 

Ronny Nilsson: Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”  

The other says, “Go home dad you´re drunk.” 

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Winner for 16.7.2010: 

Jack Hudson: So a guy runs up to me and starts yelling, “I’m a Teepee! I’m a Wigwam! I’m a Teepee I’m a Wigwam!” so I said, “Relax, man! You’re two tents!”

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Winner for 9.7.2010: 

Richard Khan Jr: Finally – – An answer I can Understand.

A visiting tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the fuckin boat.”

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Winners for 25.6.2010: 

Giorgio Gabossi: ‎2 girls meet:

– me & my husband are no longer together…
– why?
– well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?
– no, of course I couldn’t!
– well he couldn’t either!

***

Jaroslav Korbel: Mr. Paroubek visits a farm and composes a press conference. One journalist takes a photo of him in a pigsty with some pigs.
Paroubek say :”I hope you won’t put some title like Paroubek with companions there.” Journalist says:”Oh dear no, don’t worry.”
Next day there’s article about this event, with a photo of Paroubek in a pigsty and a title next to it:”Paroubek (3rd from left).”


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